"My friend told me..." (100% true story)

That she's being 'sent for a day of assertiveness training with work'.

"Why didn't you tell them you don't need to go?"

"The hottest September since 1895"

So says the media. What do you do learning a piece of entirely pointless trivia like that?

(Well, other than blog about it?)

[Pic: The 1890s. When everybody had an iron ship and a mill. Better times. Also steam trains sometimes happened]

Why do you hate your iPhone(s), Khal?

I was inspired to post this 'cos, well, I did it and only sent it to one or two people. And it explains why I have my borderline hateful relationship with the smug little fondlepolygon. Without further ado, here's the Saga of the Hateful Shinybastard...

Dear sirs,

I’m writing to you to outline my negative experiences with the Apple brand and, specifically, my iPhone 4. Correction, my four iPhone 4s to date…

Eternally optimistic, in July 2010 I signed up for a 24-month contract with the Three UK network for an iPhone 4. Having previously been with the network for many years, and very happy with their service, I elected to try the iPhone 4.

Despite a few negative reviews, ‘antennagate’ and the ‘there is no problem with the antenna/everyone can return their phone or get a free bumper case’ double-think, I was happy. For a while…

By November I was experiencing significant problems with my handset. Calls were dropping left, right and centre. The bumper made no difference. Most calls took three-five attempts to connect and often died part-way through. Of secondary annoyance was the proximity sensor’s sporadic ability to work. Putting your microphone on mute with your ear gets old very quickly… Having followed your online advice to 1) reset the networks settings, 2) restore the iPhone to an earlier backup, 3) update to the newest software version and 4) do a full factory restore, none of which worked, I sought face-to-face assistance.

So I, as a new Apple customer, went into the Kingston Bentall Centre store, thinking I could get some help.

Smug little bastard...

I was told by a member of staff, politely enough, that I would have to make an appointment at the Genius Bar. As it was lunchtime, on a day I’d booked off, I asked if he would make me an appointment for later in the day, if one were available. He told me that he could not as it wasn’t a service they offered and, anyway, you cannot book them on the same day even if you do it from home.

I was forced to walk over to a Macbook of some sort and, via your website, book an appointment in front of his very eyes for approximately fifty minutes later.

When I came back for my appointment with the Genius Bar on 26/11/2010, I outlined the problems. The gentleman who I spoke to explained that, after checking the phone stats, he could not verify that there was an issue because I had restored the phone, thus losing the onboard stat counter so I had to go away and use it for another 7-10 days. Let me just walk you through that process. Apple tells me to restore the phone, and then bring it in. Then tells me that, by restoring the phone, I have eliminated the evidence that there is a problem. Frustrating isn’t the word.

Thankfully I had restored the phone from a backup and, just as the staff member was about to shoo me away, I showed him my call long which showed, for example, seven recent calls to one number with durations of 12s, 3s, 31s, 1min 12s, 7s and call failed.

"We'll do this as a favour..."

At this point, the staff member said something which I found utterly distasteful: “We’ll exchange the handset as a favour for you.” Ugh. A company surely cannot express the thought that they are doing you a gracious gift by replacing a product which does not fulfil its basic functions. I left with a new handset, but a slightly bitter taste in my mouth.

Still, all seemed well, for a time. Until my handset began to lose its ability to connect to the network, blacking out on signal for minutes, hours, then days. In addition, the battery life fell spectacularly. Despite Wi-fi, push email, Location Services and Bluetooth being off, I suspected my battery per cent indicator had been replaced with a countdown timer.

Once again I went through the process of reset-backup-update-restore-store with no joy. I had kept a log of the battery levels, service outages and steps I’d been through. This may seem excessive but, having been treated like a chancing blagger on my last visit to the store, I didn’t want to risk such a lukewarm reception again.

It's OK, there's nowhere else I'd rather waste my time...

To the credit of your store staff, I was seen only 35 minutes after my scheduled appointment time, thankfully I’d taken a book with me. Once I showed the handset and log of failures to just three members of staff, my handset was replaced. Surely iPhone 4 #3 would be the end of my troubles?

No. Not at all. I left the store once again happy and went about the process of restoring my phone. And I noticed that every time I connected with data, be that email, web browsing or anything else, all signal was lost. Even text messages, theoretically sent over the ageing GSM network, took at least three failed attempts before sending. Even a 1.3Kb ASCII code message was too much for it to manage.

'Edukashun, edukashun, edukashun'

I did the usual, about five separate restores, Googling for other similar problems and more, to no avail. So I made an appointment. Again. And went in. Again. I handed the phone to a staff member and explained it. He went away to test it. In the mean time, having to wait another twenty minutes between my appointment and being seen, I was stood near a staff member and customer with a conundrum. The customer wanted £40 of iTunes vouchers for one gift and £60 for another. The staff member replied that they “only did £15 and £25 vouchers” so they couldn’t really do those amounts. After three minutes of backing and forthing, I felt that I had to intervene and explain that, in fact, £15 and £25 added up to £40 and four £15 vouchers was, wonderfully, £60. The staff member asked me to explain again, slowly, before going off to process this for the customer. I realise this isn’t really part of my complaint but doesn’t it make you despair somewhat?

Anyway, the staff member assisting me eventually returned from the bowels of the store and, guess what, my phone would have to be replaced again. Again. So I’m now on iPhone 4 number 4. And I have completely lost faith in the technology. All credit due to (most of) your staff at the Bentall Centre Apple Store, they’ve been kind and helpful (most of the time) but the sheer bloody number of problems I’ve had with these handsets leaves me with a Pavlovian wince every time I sent a text message, expecting to see the little red failure symbol of doom.

(It stops being even vaguely interesting at this point. You should probably go read a book or something instead...)

I’m a writer and journalist and I travel a lot (I haven’t even mentioned the time it wouldn’t connect to the network in Milan, leaving me in a communications blackout somewhere on a pissy, featureless Italian industrial estate). I opted for the iPhone4 because I needed full business functionality. And in some respects it’s been fantastic, being able to interview people with the voice memo section, email soundbytes and view the results.

But this is massively overshadowed by the unreliability. There have been large chunks of time where I’ve not been able to get emails, check websites and, critically, not even make or receive calls, which is hugely unprofessional and, frankly, a massive pain in the posterior.

If I have a problem develop with this fourth handset I’ll probably end up either selling it on eBay or throwing it at a wall as hard as I possibly can and damn the consequences. I have no faith that the iPhone 4 is a reliable, useful piece of technology. I can’t even swap the SIM over to another phone in an emergency because of the proprietary MicroSIM it uses! Gah. So where does this leave me?

Right now my phone is refusing to connect to the 3 Network, it says ‘No Service’ yet when searching manually, I am able to view the network as an option. This was how the problems began with my third handset.

(If you're still reading at this point it's your own fault...)

I don’t even want to think about the time I’ve had to take restoring and updating my four phones, booking appointments, making the 20 mile round journey to the store, waiting to be seen, calls and work I’ve missed due to being out of contact and sheer freaking frustration as my phone has failed time and time again. The iPhone and, as an extension, Apple have become a running joke for me. I am absolutely losing the will to go on here; I can’t believe I’ve had so many problems with what ought to be a pinnacle of customer service and technology.

Yours faithfully,

Khal Harris

To quote the Kaiser Chiefs: "I predict a write up."

Well I'm sure everyone knows what's been going on. Nasty business.

True riots occur when the state is given too much freedom and go too far. When desperation pushes people from every background, every ethnicity, every age onto the streets to try and tear down the rotting society and hope against hope for a new one. It's a dangerous but cathartic expression. The Romans knew it, the Greeks feared it and even Old London felt it.

But this...

Looting happens when the thugs and thieves rule the streets, when the angry and the ignorant and the greedy are driven by their desire to break and steal and line their pocket with the wages of others. Taking to the streets with fire and anger is not revolution, it's theft and it's assault and it's despised by all who see it.

Rage against the machine, not thy neighbour.

I'm turning in for the night, and I'll leave you with one thought: people have been cheering the police as they arrive to clear town centres and streets. A nation universally oppressed and rebelling against injustice does not cheer the state's enforcers when they turn up. But a country appalled by the actions of a minority of opportunist thieves would do...

Think on that.

Khal: offending the ears or saving lives?

So I bought a bike.

A FireStorm. Or, more accurately, the FireStorm I wanted back in 2008 when, instead, I got an absolute nail.

And I don't just mean 'looks a bit tatty but goes lke stink' a la the Millennium Falcon.

No. I mean a geniune, honest-to-Satan, stick-some-ginger-up-its-rectum-to-make-it-perky horse trader sham of a motorcycle. It didn't have a cush drive, it had old bicycle inner tube and gaffa tape... Anywho, it's a distant memory and it's clearly not left a mark upon my soul so indellible that I didn't go out and buy one.

And it's lovely. And it's loud. Too loud?

I truly cannot decide. It's on open pipes. So yes, loud.

Every day the devil on my shoulder tells me to man up, that you cannot in all good conscience baffle a machine that sounds so beautiful, so much like (not so) distant thunder.

Then his counterpart grabs me by the metaphorical lapels and tells me that every rider is a diplomat for motorcycling: that my actions could damn a hundred other riders to be tarred with my brush.

But then there's a balance. I live and ride in London now. The traffic is evil, the pedestrians clueless and everyone relentless. I genuinely think that I've avoided three close calls and near-misses because I can twist the wrist and make more noise than the Apocaplyse. I don't ride like a bell end around other people or during antisocial hours, I save that for empty roads and she's quiet enough pootling around town.

But who's right? Good me, bad me or just me me?

Khal: Musing on the iPhone 4

Apple seems to have neglected to make sure its new mobile phone worked before selling millions of them worldwide.

The company has, essentially, advised owners of the new iPhone 4 that the device will function normally as long as they do not try to hold it with their hands...

Epic. Truly epic.

Khal: Wasting the universe's time for fun

Thought for the day, anyone?

I'd pay to buy a traffic cone and carry it all night long through town just to see the look on a policeman's face when I produced the reciept...